Fakka (F grade)

Two grades that hold a special position in the grading system: 'A' and 'F', the two extremes... sadly I tasted both in my btech days!
Being in IIIT-H, one gets used to study a few days before exam, not attend classes when attendance is not compulsory and still sail through the exams... everything that I got used to bounced back at me like a sucker punch the day I got the call from Mohit, telling me that I had got F in a course. I felt numb but the uneasiness within felt bitter, painful like a snakebite. I was in Srisailam at that time with my father and visited the temple next day, but the uneasiness remained.
On returning to college a couple of days later I learned about the efforts other students in similar situation had taken but the F was to remain, no change possible.
But it doesn't matter now... one F shook me from within, I felt colder than in those winter nights, the As and A-s felt so insignificant before that F, F felt bigger in size... sigh!
The issue is no longer about CGPA, or doing a course again, but the presence of that F, the message it carries makes it a curse symbol on one's grade sheet... can't blame F, it is being used by us humans for such purpose...
I can now understand how a person must feel after getting a F, I now understand why students who once get a F lose interest in academics because I am one of them now. I'm not ashamed or sad, but rather now I feel I have gained another experience, another feather in my hat.
I haven't told my parents, nor do I intend to because its not a pleasant thing to tell and I now don't have enough courage to face the disappointment in their voice over the phone...

P.S. : Why not remove courses with F, W grades from list of courses taken by the student, how does it matter? The student hasn't passed it, it doesn't matter... he is not related to the course, it holds no significance in his life... why torture him by reminding him that he couldn't go through the whole course! :)

Catching up

All my life I have been changing places of residence because my father got posted every 2 or 3 years to a different city or town as per the Defence force policy, whatever that be. I have made new friends, met some old ones in a different and new place few years later and visited many places in India. Among other troubles in changing places every few years is meeting old friends in a new place few years later. The friendship in 2nd standard can't be reprise in 5th standard or 8th standard with the same essence and feelings. Things change, people change and so does other things in life and in society. Meeting an old friend and deciding to do some catching up can be a bit awkward sometimes, but could be fun in some other cases. It depends on the kind of friendship and the changes that each friend has undergone. Some people even avoid the "catching up" part just to prevent the awkwardness that they may experience.
As my personal experience, now a days I am not or will not be as comfortable with some of my old friends, as I was some 5 or 6 years ago. I or he/she might expect some things from those bygone days from the other person but it may not happen. While with some other friends, the essence of those old days is still there and the friendship with same flavor is reprise with few new flavors added.
Few of my school acquaintances with whom I hardly talked while with them in school, became my good friends after we met few years later at some other place. Its strange but if I had stayed in the previous place for few more years, then that person and I wouldn't have become friends at all.

P.S. I observed something interesting in my life that I met an old friend from a school before my previous school every year since my 6th class, i.e., my stay in Bhopal till 12th class, i.e., my stay in Jalandhar.

'Present me' becomes 'Real me'

Continuing from the previous post...

Present me makes a list of all that he must change in himself to become the real me. He decides to sleep by midnight every night, wake up at the first ring of the alarm clock, make a time table and follow it to avoid procrastination, start believing that he's also worth something, have self-confidence, do some yoga and physical exercise, play some sports, clear his thought process by meditation, practice public speaking, read newspaper everyday, interact with more and more people to know the current state of the world around him, forget about the regrettable parts of his past and anticipate an awesome future for himself etc.

Present me followed above said things with full vigor and zeal. He already starts feeling great by the end of a couple of days, as if rehabilitated after heavy drug use. Alas, he was yet to see lot more. Body aches due to exercise led him to sleep in some lectures and his sleep timings were disturbed. He got frustrated and watched a couple of movies that day. Next day, he had to do work for previous day as well as present day, since he shouldn't procrastinate any further. This forces him to miss the 1 hour of his yoga and exercises, which is good because that gives his body time to rest and next day he's ready for some more exercise. This continues for few weeks till he decides to take part in a group discussion. He's not able to put across a single opinion on the table. He realizes that whatever he had been doing was still in his own comfort zone. He had to get out once in a while in the cold winter to get used to the chilly weather. A few times more he's smacked on his face in such group discussions and rebuttling rounds. Battered and bruised, he decides to give up completely, and think of her only as a dream he ever had, a pleasant dream that woke him up and showed him the face of reality.

He hears her voice again...

The internal struggle grows wild as present me tries his best to become real me, and thinking of her and the awesome life he'd have as real me helps. But not entirely. Present me still hesitates when he feels the cold but the cold doesn't pain as much as it used to. The cold breeze feels thinner and the bite of the wind pains less. Present me now can survive for long time in the cold before he feels the need to get back into his cosy bed. But he still shivers in the cold, he's still not comfortable. The shivering must stop.

All the while present me had been training himself and accepting and bringing changes in his life, he also observed the tiny changes in him. He was now comfortable about standing at the podium, about speaking with partial or complete strangers. He can now run a few kilometers at a stretch before his body gives up. He now has a couple of hobbies and proudly shows people whatever he does. Sleeping problem still persists, but he has accepted that and likes his random hours of sleeping, thinking that he's sleeping less and living his life more! He loves himself and his new life. He could now see himself as the real me. Only a few more steps away...

He hears her voice again while in his bed. He rushes to the door, confident now that he'd cross the threshold and walk upto her. Finally he'd meet her...
He crosses the threshold in excitement and suddenly feels cold. The weather doesn't seem that cold outside. But he's shivering, more than he used to, in recent days. But for all he has done to meet her, he can't let this chance slip through his hand. As he walks towards her, bearing the sudden chill that he feels, all he can see is her, smiling at him. She was neither standing in a welcome pose, nor a repelling one. She was just smiling.

He stops a couple of steps away from her. He extends his hand at her. She smiles, a little confused she looks, which makes me (90% real, 10% present) shiver again. She happily holds his hand and lo, he stops shivering (i.e., present me completely converted to real me). He feels warm inside once again. He feels the sun-rays at his back, and looks at her face shining in sunrise.

Present me becomes real me, at last!

I meets 'present me'

I doze off in lectures, in lab, while traveling etc. I don't wake up at the sound of alarm from my mobile, but at the bang at the door of my room at mid-day. I struggle to find words to express myself (after having learnt my speech by heart) while standing at the podium in front of people staring at me. I get out of breath after jogging for a couple of hundred meters. I am 5'5'' tall and am not overweight. I am underconfident. I don't even acknowledge my good points and talents. I am average at academics and null in anything and everything else happening in the campus. I am addicted to movies, tv serials etc. and watch them for at least a couple of hours everyday. I procrastinate, and am almost completely dependent on others, for many things I need to do in life. I live in past, breathe in the present and spend my life anxiously anticipating my future.

So, that's me. Honestly speaking, that's present me, not me. Me resides in my mind, someone who's almost an opposite replica of the model of me that I described above. Then why is present me not the real me ?

Present me resists change. Present me is not happy, not satisfied but is living comfortably. Present me doesn't want to leave a cosy bed with a fireplace beside it, and walk out in a breezy winter night. Present me wants to learn to bear the cold, but doesn't want to leave the cosy bed. Present me thinks that one day, when there'd be no fire, no quilt on the bed, he'd be able to bear the biting cold. Twenty years have passed and present me still believes that only good will happen to him if he doesn't do anything wrong in life.

Life suddenly throws a test at present me and he fails. Away from home, present me starts feeling the chill of the cold winter. He is not able to bear it, and rushes back in his cosy bed. Life throws another test at present me and he fails again. Series of failures show present me that he is not ready for the world outside, for the chilling winter. He starts feeling uncomfortable and insecure. Clinging to his quilt, all he now wants to do is live the rest of his life quickly. He stops smiling and talking stupid. Now he hardly speaks. Present me is feeling worse, now that he knows himself better.

But wait, something is happening. Someone is calling from faraway. Present me feels warmed up inside listening to that voice. He smiles after a long time. He gets out of his bed and ignores some chillness that he feels as he walks to the door, from where he hears the voice coming. He wants to get out of the door, but he can't. He can't bear the winter outside. He must remain inside. He starts hating himself, cursing himself. Anguish starts brewing within him.

All his life, present me had been changing the ambitions according to the capabilities. Eventually both ambitions and capabilities settled at some level permanently. Eventually present me became exactly opposite of the real me. But today, after hearing that person's voice and not being able to meet that person made the present me decide this, 'I will learn to live in the cold, if that is what it takes to meet her.'

Change: The past and the present, Part I

When I look back at those 19 years of my life, and compare myself as what I was earlier and what I am now, I feel that I've changed significantly. Of course, I won't include my height and looks, as those things have hardly changed.

1. I waste infinitely less amount of food now a days as compared to when I was staying at home. What exactly happened I don't know but I have changed, and it's for good.

2. I don't talk for hours over the phone. At home, since we have to pay fixed rates for one month use of phone connection, so I sometimes talked a lot over it, but slowly this habit also wore off, like the previous one.

3. I used to be uncomfortable with talks about sex and similar issues, but then one fine day I realized that all these things are a part of nature and a part of what we are. Its foolish to ignore these things (of course my friends advised me a lot on this issue).

4. Another issue was abuses. I despised people who used abusive language. It took me a long time to make friends with them and get comfortable in their company. Some of them are excellent people and were my good friends, which made me realize that using abusive language doesn't make someone bad. Its just a way to vent out all frustration and what I realized as a result of that, was bad for me... since I never abused, all my frustration got collected within me, and I got all sorts of weird thoughts, and sleeptime dreams and I also slept more than required. (I still don't abuse anyone and so sleep a lot and still have weird thoughts and dreams.) But I've accepted abuses as a part of life. Now a days I interpret their meaning and tell people that if such things happened in reality then...

5. I had limited exposure to music at home, but after coming to college, I have started listening to different kinds of music and now I know what kind of music I like (the names, like "rock", "alt rock" etc.)

6. Now a days I have bath (almost) regularly, but till a couple of years ago, I had bath sometimes, not regularly. Seriously, I felt lazy to go and have a bath, but while bathing, I used to feel nice. Winters was another reason!

7. I was afraid of the dark. I used to watch all those horror TV series, "aahat", "Zee Horror Show" etc. and then used to tremble in the dark, feeling presence of ghosts all around me. I could not stay in the dark, even with people around me. But then, after I stopped watching those TV serials, the fear disappeared. But when I saw, "The Ring", that fear came back, but it wasn't fear of staying in the dark, it was fear of being alone. (Ghosts scare person who's alone, its convenient for them that way, chun chun ke daraate hai).

8. I used to get frustrated about small things in life, about small issues. Now it has lessened. Lower grades, bad performance, etc. used to frustrate me. I used to behave rudely with others, but I think that has also lessened, now that I've realized that I've reached 7th semester and CGPA won't make much of a difference now! :D
But sadly, even now a days I do get frustrated during exam days when I'm ill prepared! :(

9. Now for some bad changes, I've started chatting a lot, especially on gtalk, and have got addicted to orkut, a lot!

10. My sense of humor has gone from bad to worse. I become desperate to crack jokes that I try to use anything anyone says and comment on it, and many times its not amusing, and mostly confusing!

11. Something that hasn't changed as yet, is my social phobia.