Monday, September 10, 2012

The Dementor's Effect

Sometimes this happens. I'm at some place, doing my own job, minding my own business without bothering anyone when suddenly this feeling gets fired up in me. I feel deeply morose and flushed out of all happiness that ever existed in my life. I feel as if someone/thing has gripped my heart and is sucking all the happiness out of it, like the dementors do in Harry Potter series. I lose interest in everything that's around me and about me. I feel I can never be happy, as if I'm living in a post apocalypse world, with debris all around. I just be there, doing nothing, being nothing, fully aware that the time is passing by.
I see people around me talking, doing their work and various activities. I hear them laugh, argue, grumble and wonder if all that's really happening or if I'm dreaming. And if its really happening, how lucky they are! I feel jealous of them and happy for them at the same time. 'At least they are not trapped like me in my own misery', I think.

Once this feeling fires up in my heart, it doesn't leave me. My heart feels like a stone sinking in an ocean, deeper and deeper. At this time I sometimes hear some songs that resonate my feelings. This has been my biggest blunder because that only aggravates the feeling and sinks me deeper into this abyss.

I have tried few things to feel better. I watch sitcoms or standup comedians. I may laugh few times and forget about my sinking heart but once the show is complete, the feeling returns. I have also done some workout at home to fire up some testosterone to feel better. It helps sometimes but the sinking heart leaves me so devoid of energy that most of the times I don't feel like doing the workout.
Sometimes I talk to my parents and my sister when this happens. It does help if I do it right. I've observed that whenever it has helped, it was because I could release any bottled up emotions through crying for a while.
Maybe its because I miss home, maybe its because I feel lonely in spite of having so many wonderful friends. But most probably its because I never express myself. And this has perturbed many who have known me. Many of my friends, my mentor, manager and my friends at office, some of my toastmasters friends and even my parents (who got used to it after sometime). I thought I was shy but this is way beyond shyness, its actually quite sinister!
If I do well, I don't treat myself or celebrate. If I fail, I just ignore those feelings of anger and disappointment and just try to move on. If I like something or someone, I never say that. If I like something someone has done, I may just utter a word or two only because everybody else around me does so.
Maybe this sickening, drowning in my misery feeling is because of this messed up amalgamation of emotions within me that were never let out at the right time. They lie within me like a mess of entangled wires. The more you move around those wires, the more entangled they get.

Now that I do understand what's going on, I need to learn to express myself. Any ideas?! :)


kautuk said...

You yourself suggested the solution: express yourself !! Instead of sitting and analysing your/others' life, go out and do what you like...

Pernille Kielsen Pedersen said...

Write poems! It clenses your soul and then you have made some usefull out of your dark times :)

Sorry for my bad English. I'm from Denmark :)