Friday, September 19, 2008

I meets 'present me'

I doze off in lectures, in lab, while traveling etc. I don't wake up at the sound of alarm from my mobile, but at the bang at the door of my room at mid-day. I struggle to find words to express myself (after having learnt my speech by heart) while standing at the podium in front of people staring at me. I get out of breath after jogging for a couple of hundred meters. I am 5'5'' tall and am not overweight. I am underconfident. I don't even acknowledge my good points and talents. I am average at academics and null in anything and everything else happening in the campus. I am addicted to movies, tv serials etc. and watch them for at least a couple of hours everyday. I procrastinate, and am almost completely dependent on others, for many things I need to do in life. I live in past, breathe in the present and spend my life anxiously anticipating my future.

So, that's me. Honestly speaking, that's present me, not me. Me resides in my mind, someone who's almost an opposite replica of the model of me that I described above. Then why is present me not the real me ?

Present me resists change. Present me is not happy, not satisfied but is living comfortably. Present me doesn't want to leave a cosy bed with a fireplace beside it, and walk out in a breezy winter night. Present me wants to learn to bear the cold, but doesn't want to leave the cosy bed. Present me thinks that one day, when there'd be no fire, no quilt on the bed, he'd be able to bear the biting cold. Twenty years have passed and present me still believes that only good will happen to him if he doesn't do anything wrong in life.

Life suddenly throws a test at present me and he fails. Away from home, present me starts feeling the chill of the cold winter. He is not able to bear it, and rushes back in his cosy bed. Life throws another test at present me and he fails again. Series of failures show present me that he is not ready for the world outside, for the chilling winter. He starts feeling uncomfortable and insecure. Clinging to his quilt, all he now wants to do is live the rest of his life quickly. He stops smiling and talking stupid. Now he hardly speaks. Present me is feeling worse, now that he knows himself better.

But wait, something is happening. Someone is calling from faraway. Present me feels warmed up inside listening to that voice. He smiles after a long time. He gets out of his bed and ignores some chillness that he feels as he walks to the door, from where he hears the voice coming. He wants to get out of the door, but he can't. He can't bear the winter outside. He must remain inside. He starts hating himself, cursing himself. Anguish starts brewing within him.

All his life, present me had been changing the ambitions according to the capabilities. Eventually both ambitions and capabilities settled at some level permanently. Eventually present me became exactly opposite of the real me. But today, after hearing that person's voice and not being able to meet that person made the present me decide this, 'I will learn to live in the cold, if that is what it takes to meet her.'


rorschach said...

shouldn't it be "present I"?
you wouldn't ideally say "me thinks too much" now, would you?

who's "her"?

Bhanukiran said...

nice post ! though i did not read it thoroughly :D .

Philosophy ahem

Abhishek said...

@rorschach: Me is a name I gave myself. I have not used "I" to show that "me" is a state of my life.
"her" is a metaphor for something that I want from life and when I finally get a chance to meet it, I loose it. This agitates me and I decide to change, because it was my limitations that prevented me from meeting my ambition/goal/destination!

@bhanukiran: you should read the whole post to make conclusions :P

Himanshu Sharma said...

i think , you are just sitting in the cocoon , waiting for you time :) .