Saturday, September 20, 2008

'Present me' becomes 'Real me'

Continuing from the previous post...

Present me makes a list of all that he must change in himself to become the real me. He decides to sleep by midnight every night, wake up at the first ring of the alarm clock, make a time table and follow it to avoid procrastination, start believing that he's also worth something, have self-confidence, do some yoga and physical exercise, play some sports, clear his thought process by meditation, practice public speaking, read newspaper everyday, interact with more and more people to know the current state of the world around him, forget about the regrettable parts of his past and anticipate an awesome future for himself etc.

Present me followed above said things with full vigor and zeal. He already starts feeling great by the end of a couple of days, as if rehabilitated after heavy drug use. Alas, he was yet to see lot more. Body aches due to exercise led him to sleep in some lectures and his sleep timings were disturbed. He got frustrated and watched a couple of movies that day. Next day, he had to do work for previous day as well as present day, since he shouldn't procrastinate any further. This forces him to miss the 1 hour of his yoga and exercises, which is good because that gives his body time to rest and next day he's ready for some more exercise. This continues for few weeks till he decides to take part in a group discussion. He's not able to put across a single opinion on the table. He realizes that whatever he had been doing was still in his own comfort zone. He had to get out once in a while in the cold winter to get used to the chilly weather. A few times more he's smacked on his face in such group discussions and rebuttling rounds. Battered and bruised, he decides to give up completely, and think of her only as a dream he ever had, a pleasant dream that woke him up and showed him the face of reality.

He hears her voice again...

The internal struggle grows wild as present me tries his best to become real me, and thinking of her and the awesome life he'd have as real me helps. But not entirely. Present me still hesitates when he feels the cold but the cold doesn't pain as much as it used to. The cold breeze feels thinner and the bite of the wind pains less. Present me now can survive for long time in the cold before he feels the need to get back into his cosy bed. But he still shivers in the cold, he's still not comfortable. The shivering must stop.

All the while present me had been training himself and accepting and bringing changes in his life, he also observed the tiny changes in him. He was now comfortable about standing at the podium, about speaking with partial or complete strangers. He can now run a few kilometers at a stretch before his body gives up. He now has a couple of hobbies and proudly shows people whatever he does. Sleeping problem still persists, but he has accepted that and likes his random hours of sleeping, thinking that he's sleeping less and living his life more! He loves himself and his new life. He could now see himself as the real me. Only a few more steps away...

He hears her voice again while in his bed. He rushes to the door, confident now that he'd cross the threshold and walk upto her. Finally he'd meet her...
He crosses the threshold in excitement and suddenly feels cold. The weather doesn't seem that cold outside. But he's shivering, more than he used to, in recent days. But for all he has done to meet her, he can't let this chance slip through his hand. As he walks towards her, bearing the sudden chill that he feels, all he can see is her, smiling at him. She was neither standing in a welcome pose, nor a repelling one. She was just smiling.

He stops a couple of steps away from her. He extends his hand at her. She smiles, a little confused she looks, which makes me (90% real, 10% present) shiver again. She happily holds his hand and lo, he stops shivering (i.e., present me completely converted to real me). He feels warm inside once again. He feels the sun-rays at his back, and looks at her face shining in sunrise.

Present me becomes real me, at last!

Friday, September 19, 2008

I meets 'present me'

I doze off in lectures, in lab, while traveling etc. I don't wake up at the sound of alarm from my mobile, but at the bang at the door of my room at mid-day. I struggle to find words to express myself (after having learnt my speech by heart) while standing at the podium in front of people staring at me. I get out of breath after jogging for a couple of hundred meters. I am 5'5'' tall and am not overweight. I am underconfident. I don't even acknowledge my good points and talents. I am average at academics and null in anything and everything else happening in the campus. I am addicted to movies, tv serials etc. and watch them for at least a couple of hours everyday. I procrastinate, and am almost completely dependent on others, for many things I need to do in life. I live in past, breathe in the present and spend my life anxiously anticipating my future.

So, that's me. Honestly speaking, that's present me, not me. Me resides in my mind, someone who's almost an opposite replica of the model of me that I described above. Then why is present me not the real me ?

Present me resists change. Present me is not happy, not satisfied but is living comfortably. Present me doesn't want to leave a cosy bed with a fireplace beside it, and walk out in a breezy winter night. Present me wants to learn to bear the cold, but doesn't want to leave the cosy bed. Present me thinks that one day, when there'd be no fire, no quilt on the bed, he'd be able to bear the biting cold. Twenty years have passed and present me still believes that only good will happen to him if he doesn't do anything wrong in life.

Life suddenly throws a test at present me and he fails. Away from home, present me starts feeling the chill of the cold winter. He is not able to bear it, and rushes back in his cosy bed. Life throws another test at present me and he fails again. Series of failures show present me that he is not ready for the world outside, for the chilling winter. He starts feeling uncomfortable and insecure. Clinging to his quilt, all he now wants to do is live the rest of his life quickly. He stops smiling and talking stupid. Now he hardly speaks. Present me is feeling worse, now that he knows himself better.

But wait, something is happening. Someone is calling from faraway. Present me feels warmed up inside listening to that voice. He smiles after a long time. He gets out of his bed and ignores some chillness that he feels as he walks to the door, from where he hears the voice coming. He wants to get out of the door, but he can't. He can't bear the winter outside. He must remain inside. He starts hating himself, cursing himself. Anguish starts brewing within him.

All his life, present me had been changing the ambitions according to the capabilities. Eventually both ambitions and capabilities settled at some level permanently. Eventually present me became exactly opposite of the real me. But today, after hearing that person's voice and not being able to meet that person made the present me decide this, 'I will learn to live in the cold, if that is what it takes to meet her.'

Monday, September 08, 2008

Afraid of Darkness

I wrote this when I was in 12th class, with near zero experience of writing. That day I got bored with sitting on my study table for the whole day, and at night looked outside the window beside my study table. I saw the street outside, with street light shining on it. It reminded me of those days as a kid when I was not even able to walk alone on those lighted streets at night. I started pondering over what I felt while alone, in the dark...

I am afraid of the darkness,
it makes me feel alone.
It has no boundaries, no end marks,
it has no voice, no sound, no tone.

It is just darkness, black black all around,
surrounded by black colour, I feel totally bound.
Like a prisoner, helpless, no way can be found,
unless I get a small hint, a touch or a sound.

It haunts me, to my horror, scares me a lot,
I constantly feel that NOW a hand will touch my shoulder,
and I will jump out of my skin due to fear I have never felt or got,
and on turning my head would encounter a flashing ghostly figure.

As I walk in the darkness which shows no end,
on any sound or movement I can only rely on myself not to shout or yelp.
A ghost follows me, I feel, to catch me or to offend,
when suddenly the place is lighted and I thank for heaven sent help.

But as I start going back with relief and in vain,
I feel a small pain which tells me that my journey had no gain,
As I didn't have any source of light and lost lighting again,
And darkness covered me all around while I stood on the same lane.

The same feeling, same fear, same chillness came back,
I went dry, cold and sweated again, standing at the same place.
Now it won't make sense to repeat the things said above, in any case.