Sunday, January 03, 2010

Quarter life crisis

Himanshu told me a lot about our lives in 10th class, especially my weird behavior. I thought I was the only one who remembered my childhood, but clearly he could recall it much more vividly.
During the course of conversation I realized that the reason I acted strange is because my brain can not think straight when I'm uncomfortable, and I was (am still) uncomfortable among people (also called social anxiety).
My strange/weird behavior is surely my response to my discomfort. As a kid, I can now recall holding my schoolbag or water-bottle close to me. I used to keep to myself during lunch breaks unless and until someone came to me and talked to me. I guess many would find that rude, which I realized in time, but all I could do is look at others chat, or play, but couldn't move my legs to walk upto them. I gave up after a few attempts and it became my habit. And till date, walking upto a person (who is not a friend) and starting a conversation is one of my biggest achievements for the day.
Strangely true, it never bothered me when people called me names, because I saw it as an opportunity to interact with them in some way. In college, it bothered me because I never saw myself as a 'scientist', but rather as a slacker and a lazy person. Today I realize that 'scientist' also holds true in my case for some good reason and the people who believe in calling me so have their reasons triggered by some of my strange behavior in response to my discomfort among people.
The interesting part is, I myself don't know when I would feel uncomfortable. I have felt comfortable talking to strangers sometimes, and utterly uncomfortable among a large group of all my friends!
There has always been an image in my mind, an image of a future me, but I have never been able to meet him in mirror. Some pieces of the image are still missing, the vital ones. If I were a teenager I'd have felt that things would be better when I grow up, but they never got better because I gave up after a few shots.
This is the quarter-life crisis I face. The mundane problems like unemployment or low paying job, no girlfriend etc. have lost their significance in my life. All my attempts are now towards completing that image, which would complete me as a person I would like to live.


Paradox said...

This is no quarter life crisis you face... it's just that you have too much of idle time to while away... BTW.. your writing skills have improved a lot .. :)

Abhishek said...

How dare you say that I have too much idle time? :P :D
I wrote this while overwhelmed with emotions, so I guess that's why it came out better!